im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
