I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
