Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
