i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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