Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
