come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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