i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
