I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
