U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
