Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
