im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize