i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Holy shit dude........stairs
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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