My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
