You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
