I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
