Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
