So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
