Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
