I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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