She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
