i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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