Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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