just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
