Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just invented taco cereal.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
