i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
