so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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