yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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