god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
