My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Can Purell be used as lube?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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