He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
When are your genitals available?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
