I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
