i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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