oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize