Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
