I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
