had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
