i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
