it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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