god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
operation have a gay friend backfired
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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