If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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