I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
