Sorry, I don't speak sober.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
