...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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