i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize