hotel room ftw
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Actions speak louder than pants.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
