People with herpes should wear stickers.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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