i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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