I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
