i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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