He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
