I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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