I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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