Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
