I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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