She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
