come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
