Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
