The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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