Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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